Satire — fictional humor, not factual reporting. Everything below is invented for fun. Names, characters and events are fictional.
A pebble named Cobbleston Dunmore took the stage at an imaginary investor evening on Thursday to launch a new water startup called Dampr. The pitch was simple: take some hydrogen, add something, and sell the result by the bottle. Dunmore described the middle step as "the exciting part."
The pebble arrived in a small velvet pouch and was placed on a stool, where it spoke for eleven minutes without blinking, which it has never done. "I have been around for a very long time," it began. "I have seen oceans come and go. Mostly I have seen them come."
Dunmore's slides were bold. Slide one read "Hydrogen: Abundant." Slide two read "Water: Wet." Slide three was a photograph of a puddle with a circle drawn round it, and slide four was a blank rectangle labelled "Disruption."
One investor, a made-up man named Percival Quillfeather, asked where the oxygen would come from. Dunmore replied that Dampr has a proprietary relationship with the sky. Quillfeather wrote this down, underlined it, and then crossed it out, and then underlined it again.
A second investor, Tamsin Brookhollow, asked about the business model. The pebble explained that Dampr would offer a free tier of mist, a premium tier of drizzle and an enterprise tier called "Downpour," available to anyone with a large bucket. Brookhollow said the pricing was surprisingly rational for a rock.
The pebble was then asked about competition. It said it had checked, and the nearest competitor was a very large ocean, which had not returned its emails. "They are slow to pivot," Dunmore said. "Also they are wet already, which feels like cheating."
Dunmore did concede one difficulty. The startup currently has no employees, no office and no hydrogen. The pebble said these were all "lean advantages," and added that it was willing to relocate to any riverbed that offered a decent seed round.
The evening ended with polite applause from the chairs, which had been attentive throughout. Quillfeather offered a handshake, but the pebble has no hands, so he shook the pouch instead. Dampr has since been listed as "promising" on a clipboard.
At last report, Dunmore was back on its stool and preparing a follow-up pitch for sparkling water. It says the bubbles will be sourced from enthusiasm, and that the first customers will be anyone who is thirsty and not asking questions.
Inspiration (a separate, real report — nothing above is factual): read the real story. This satire is original, AI-assisted and editor-reviewed by The Global News Feed.
