Satire — fictional humor, not factual reporting. Everything below is invented for fun. Names, characters and events are fictional.
Ludovic Brandlewick, a homeowner from an imaginary cul-de-sac, has hired nine composers to write a score for his front doorbell. The doorbell, which currently plays a single flat note, was described by Brandlewick as "honest but under-orchestrated." He said the house deserves a proper theme.
The composers, all invented for the occasion, arrived on Monday carrying notebooks and one very small harp. They gathered in the hallway and stood in a circle around the bell, which is mounted beside the door at a height of one metre and ten centimetres. Nobody spoke for several minutes, out of respect.
Disagreement began at once. Composer Isolde Marrowby wanted a solemn opening in a minor key, to suit visitors with parcels. Composer Wendell Prattle argued for a jaunty motif, which he said would suit visitors with biscuits. A third composer suggested a short silence, which she called "the dramatic doorbell."
The nine eventually agreed on a structure of three movements. The first, "Approach," lasts eight seconds. The second, "Hesitation," lasts six and includes a clarinet. The third, "Resolution," is the sound of someone saying "Oh, hello" in a major key.
Delivery drivers have been asked to wait for the full piece before leaving a parcel. The postman, a patient man named Cuthbert Nimblewick, said he was happy to stand through the second movement but drew the line at the encore. "I have a round," he said. "It has forty doors, and I fear they will all want this."
The cat, who has no formal musical training, has become the most reliable critic. It sits on the stairs and flicks one ear when a bar is too long. The composers have begun checking the ear, and Marrowby says it has improved the middle section considerably.
Costs have been modest by the standards of nine composers. Brandlewick has paid in tea, a sheet of stickers and a promise to name a hallway cupboard after the group. The cupboard, which holds a vacuum cleaner and two umbrellas, will be called the Conservatoire.
Neighbours have heard the rehearsals through the wall and responded kindly. One left a note reading "Lovely, though could it be a little shorter," and another asked whether the score would be available for the garden gate. The composers say a gate theme is already in discussion.
The doorbell will have its premiere on Saturday at four in the afternoon. Brandlewick says he will answer it personally, once the music has finished, once the applause has faded, and once he has found out who is actually there.
Inspiration (a separate, real report — nothing above is factual): read the real story. This satire is original, AI-assisted and editor-reviewed by The Global News Feed.
