Satire — fictional humor, not factual reporting. Everything below is invented for fun. Names, characters and events are fictional.
A large and rather confident imaginary galaxy called Bartholomew's Swirl announced this week that it has discovered the gravitational-lens selfie. By bending the light of objects behind it, the galaxy explained, it can appear in many places at once, looking slightly stretched and extremely dignified.
"I always knew I had a good side," Bartholomew's Swirl said in a statement circulated by a modest cloud of hydrogen. "Now I have several, arranged in a ring." The galaxy added that it had been practising its angles for about four billion years without telling anyone.
The selfies have been well received by a small circle of admirers. A passing comet called Trundle gave the images a respectful nod, and a nearby dwarf galaxy left a comment that simply read, "Lovely arc." Bartholomew's Swirl has framed it, in a manner of speaking, using more arcs.
Not everyone is delighted. A neighbouring galaxy, known only as the Beige Cluster, pointed out that the photographs are technically a trick of geometry and that bending light is not the same as being photogenic. "Some of us simply sit here, being round," it said, "and nobody makes a fuss."
Bartholomew's Swirl has since introduced a few house rules. No flash from nearby stars, no photobombing by asteroids, and no one is allowed to say the word "distortion" in its presence. Violators are to be gently ignored for roughly ten million years.
Fictional lens consultant Odile Wrenfroth, who has spent a career advising celestial objects on how to look wider, praised the effort. "It is a bold look," she said. "Nothing says confidence like turning a single galaxy into a decorative ring. Honestly, I would book it for weddings."
The cosmos has responded in its usual way, which is to continue expanding quietly in all directions. A lone star at the edge of the frame was heard to mutter that it had been in the background of this shot for an hour and would appreciate a credit, or at least a small caption.
Bartholomew's Swirl has promised to add one, as soon as it finishes the next batch. It has already planned a series called "Me, Again," which will feature the galaxy in four poses, three of them slightly circular.
Asked whether there is any chance of a break from the photography, Bartholomew's Swirl said it would think about it. Then it bent a little more light, looked at the result, and decided that it would think about it tomorrow.
Inspiration (a separate, real report — nothing above is factual): read the real story. This satire is original, AI-assisted and editor-reviewed by The Global News Feed.
